Better To Have Loved
by Canonisation
Summary: Two grieving people find comfort in an unexpected source...


**Title:** Better To Have Loved...

**Author:** Canonisation

**Part:** 1/1

**Pairing:** Frieda/Lucy

**Rating:** 12

**Thanks to Team Frenny at , who inspired this :)**

**Synopsis:** Two grieving people find comfort in an unexpected source.

**Notes:** Has spoilers for Season 13 up to 13 x 36: "In Between Days". Consider this an alternate Season 13!

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><p>1<p>

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><p>Lucy Wilton sat at her kitchen table, numbly pouring herself another glass of wine. She knew she was drinking too much, but didn't know what else to do with herself. None of the books she had tried to star recently held much interest, nor did TV. The rare times she had tried to sit down and watch anything, the light and noise had simply washed over her as she sat there, her mind elsewhere. So she sat at the table, and drank, and tried not to cry, and fervently hoped that tonight would finally be the night she could sleep, instead of lying awake in her bed in a house that suddenly seemed so large and empty.<p>

It had been like this for over a week now - ever since her best friend and housemate, Penny Valentine, had died.

She still ran over that day in her head - they had just returned from an impromptu holiday. The holiday had been Penny's idea - she had needed to get away, to clear her head after Oliver's huge confession and to give him time to do the right thing. Lucy's heart had ached to see Penny in such a confused and broken state. Oliver's confession had rocked her world to the core, pulled away one of the pillars of support she'd always counted on, and it took her time to get over that. Lucy had helped as best she could, and they had sorted a lot of stuff out while they'd been away. Penny had still been nervous when Lucy had left for work that morning. Lucy remembered hugging her, and she was sure she'd offered support, but try as she might, she could not remember the last words she'd spoken to Penny. She hoped they had been something that showed how much she'd cared.

After Lucy had gotten home from work that evening, she hadn't been surprised that Penny wasn't home yet. After all, it was in Penny's nature to work obscene amounts of overtime, and she'd also gotten in the habit of going out for a drink with her coworkers after work. So she'd not thought twice about the delay.

That was when she had gotten the call. It had been from Penny's boss - Michael? Was that it? He'd sounded shattered on the phone, and before he could confirm anything, Lucy had _known_ what he was about to say. And just like that, her friend was dead, and she would never talk to her, or see her, ever again.

Lucy had wondered at the time why it had not been Oliver notifying her, but apparently he had been in no state to tell anyone. Someone, though, had evidently decided she needed to know sooner rather than later, and she appreciated whoever it had been. The memories of that day threatened to overwhelm her again, and she downed her wine to try to calm her nerves.

She wondered how Oliver was doing. She'd seen him briefly at the funeral, but they hadn't really talked. She'd tried to call him a few times, but there had been no answer. She also wondered if he'd finally done the right thing and confessed, but doubted it. He'd always had a cowardly streak. Even as she thought that, she hated herself for doing so, but she was too tired to care.

Lucy's failure to reach Oliver was the excuse she was using for not going into Penny's room. She told herself that she needed to clear it up, to look for a new housemate, but that it would be wrong to do that without Penny's brother. Deep down, though, she knew it was really because she was scared to go in there. Scared to be surrounded by so much of Penny - the pictures on the fridge were upsetting enough.

She smiled a little as she thought of Penny's habit of leaving cups of coffee half-drunk all over the house. If there was one of those in her room, it would be pretty rancid by now.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang, shaking Lucy out of her thoughts. She frowned and glanced at the clock. It was late - who would possibly be calling at this hour? The thought that it might be Oliver came to her, and she took a deep breath. This was something she'd have to do sooner or later - she might as well get it over with now.

She opened the front door, and blinked in surprise. It _wasn't _Oliver. Instead, standing at her front door was a young woman, dressed all in black, her chalk-white face covered in heavy Goth make-up. The woman gave a quick nervous smile. "Hi," she said in a thick accent, her voice nervous. "You...you don't know me, but..."

"I know who you are," said Lucy. "Frieda, right? Frieda Petrenko?"

"Oh." Frieda looked surprised. "I..."

"I saw you briefly at...at the funeral," said Lucy awkwardly. "And...Penny...well, she used to talk about you a lot. You're pretty hard to miss."

Frieda nodded. "Okay. I...I was just..." She tailed off and broke Lucy's gaze. "I don't know what I was doing. I will go..."

"No, wait!" Lucy reach out to touch Frieda's shoulder. Frieda looked surprised at the contact, but didn't pull away. "Come in. Have a drink. I mean, you've come all this way...I can't let you just leave without extending a little bit of hospitality."

Frieda looked at her for a moment, then nodded. "All right." She came inside, and Lucy led the way to the kitchen, flicking the light on, so it didn't look as though she'd been sitting drinking alone in the dark (even though she had). She gestured to a chair, and Frieda sat down.

Lucy paused for a second, then gestured around her. "Well, this is our kitchen! What can I get you? Tea, coffee, wine..?"

Frieda glanced at the half-empty bottle already sitting there and Lucy's glass. "Wine," she said softly. "Thank you."

Lucy fetched another glass, and sat down opposite Frieda, pouring them both a glass. Frieda smiled in gratitude. There was an awkward pause, before Lucy finally decided she had to break the silence. "I like your face," she said.

"What?" Frieda sounded confused.

"I mean..." Lucy realised how stupid that had sounded. "I meant your make-up. It looks...it just really suits you, I mean. Penny said you always looked great, and..." She tailed off. "Sorry. I'm rambling."

"Is okay. Sorry...I'm not being very talkative here." Frieda took a sip of wine. "So...Penny used to talk about me a lot?"

"Oh, don't worry!" Lucy smiled. "It was always very complimentary."

Frieda raised an eyebrow. "Always?"

"Well..." Lucy cocked her head to one side. "Not at first...but I'm sure you already knew that."

Frieda gave a small smile. "We did not get off on...right leg."

"Oh, I know...heard _all_ about it." Lucy paused. "But...after that...she really cared about you, you know. She considered you...one of her best friends."

"And I her." Frieda glanced down at the table quickly. "I just came here...because..." She paused. "I do not know why I'm even here. I just..."

"You miss her," said Lucy sadly.

Frieda looked up at her, her eyes heavy with sadness. "Yeah," she said softly. "I do. We...we hated each other at first, but then...I suppose she started to like me, and she had just decided one day that we would be friends, and..." She gave a small laugh. "And then she just would not let it go until we were."

"She was sort of annoying persistent, wasn't she?"

Frieda smiled. "And so earnest with it too...it just...sort of wore you down after a while, until you just gave in and started to like her."

"She was certainly pretty perky," agreed Lucy with a grin.

"You were...friends for a while?"

Lucy nodded. "For years. We'd known each other since we were teenagers, then we sort of drifted apart - went to different universities - but then we both ended up in Holby, and it seemed natural to move in together."

Frieda's eyes drifted to the fridge and the photos on it. "Looked like you had some good times together."

Lucy smiled. "Yeah. She's...she was a good friend."

"Did she tell you...that she is reason I am doctor?"

"Oh yeah...I mean, she always told me how great you were as a nurse...even when you were...at odds, shall we say. But then, one day she tells me that you're being fired, and she's persuaded you to become a doctor. I mean, I hadn't even known that you'd trained as a doctor before, but apparently she'd known for _ages,_ and..."

"Wait..." Frieda frowned. "So you didn't know I had trained as doctor until I was laid off?"

"Oh, no," said Lucy, slightly confused. "She never mentioned it..."

Frieda smiled. "So, she really never told a soul..." she said, almost to herself. A broad, genuine smile crept across her face, before she turned back to Lucy. "I was upset at first...at her first poking her nose in, but...then, I was so glad. I didn't want to leave, but I was ready to...and she was right. I was not living up to potential...and she convinced me to try."

"She was really upset at the prospect of you leaving, you know. I don't know how much she told you, but the thought of it was really bothering her."

"Oh." Frieda looked away again. "No, no, she did not tell me. I think she saw that I was nervous, and she did not want to bother me..."

"Well, that was Penny, wasn't it?" Lucy took a sip of her wine. "Always thinking of other people before herself."

"Yeah. Yeah, that was Penny." Frieda shook her head. "So, _so _earnest. Annoying, but also kind of loveable."

Lucy smiled. "I was glad, you know, that you were there. She'd had a lot of trouble at the hospital, and...I know Ollie was there, but I was so glad she had a friend there."

"I could have been better friend," muttered Frieda. "Sometimes I shoot my mouth off...I am bad at telling people how I feel..." She shook her head. "No, ignore me. Self-pity is never good thing." She looked up. "I was glad she had you, too. She talked about you too...she said you were...good friend. Sometimes I worried, because you were right. She struggled sometimes...and I was glad that she had you to go to."

Lucy blinked, trying to get rid of the tears that had suddenly gathered at the sides of her eyes. "I really miss her," she said softly.

Frieda reached across the table and squeezed her hand gently. "I know. I do as well."

"And it's the stupid stuff, too. Like our Saturday breakfasts. Or relaxing in front of Grey's Anatomy with a bottle of wine. Or just...knowing she was there at night. Knowing I wasn't alone...that I had...a friend there if I needed them."

"Meeting her in the locker room every morning," said Frieda softly. "Chatting at the nurse's station. Figuring out medical stuff with her. Making fun of nasty patients. Meeting for a drink after work." She looked up at Lucy, tears visible at the edges of her eyes also. "She was fantastic doctor, you know."

"I know. It was all she ever wanted to do." Lucy indicated the photo of Penny and Oliver as children - Oliver as a wizard, Penny as a nurse. "Even from childhood. She just wanted to make a difference."

"She didn't talk about it much, but..." Frieda paused. "I know her parents did not approve."

"Well, her _Dad_ didn't approve. Her Mum was over in France, and she didn't really see her very often. But her Dad..." Lucy tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice, and didn't succeed very well. "He never saw the point of medicine, and then Penny refused to take his money - she wanted to be independent - and they had a huge falling out, and it was always a bit frosty after that."

"Sounds charming."

"Oh, do _not_ get me started. Stupid, stupid man...not realising what a brilliant daughter he had...getting his pride hurt just because she wouldn't let herself take his money." Lucy took a deep breath. "Sorry. The rest of the Valentines aren't exactly favourites in this household right now."

Frieda smiled. "Come on. Is not like I am going to be telling them, is it?" She paused. "Sounds like her. Not even letting family disapproval get in the way of her dream."

Lucy smiled. "Yeah. It is like her. She always knew what she wanted...even if it isn't what other people would have wanted for her. You know about the...Scott thing?" Frieda nodded. "I was so glad she didn't go through with that. I knew she'd made her mind up at the time, but she would have regretted it. I tried to tell her, but...it caused some major arguments at the time. Although..." Her voice cracked. "If she had gone, she wouldn't have died, would she?"

"Sssshhh," whispered Frieda. "You are right - she would have been miserable there. Medicine was her dream."

"At least she would have been alive..."

"Do not second guess yourself." Frieda took a deep breath. "We all wish that things could have gone differently, and that we could have somehow changed things if we had only acted differently. I was...I was at crash scene. I did not pay attention to where she was...I did not realise she had not gone back to hospital with us. Maybe if someone had..." She stopped and pursed her lips hard, obviously trying not to break down. "But...at end of the day...was no-one's fault. Just an accident. Is not my fault. Is not yours. At least, that is what I tell myself."

"You're right," said Lucy sadly. She shook her head. "I suppose...Penny just always wanted to help people, and in the end...she went to help someone without thinking of her own safety, and..." She stopped and closed her eyes.

"She was always stupid like that," said Frieda, a sad smile on her face.

Lucy gave a small laugh. "Yeah. She was."

"Wonderfully, selflessly stupid," said Frieda, shaking her head. "Only caring about others, never about herself."

"That was Penny, all right."

"You mentioned the other Valentines. Have you... have you seen Oliver?" asked Frieda tentatively. "I just...wonder how he is doing."

Lucy shook her head. "I've been trying to call him for the past few days, but there's no answer. He hasn't been back at work, then?"

Frieda shook her head. "I haven't seen him since funeral, and we did not speak then, either."

"So he _will_ be returning to work then?"

Frieda frowned. "I think so. Why would he not be?"

So he hadn't confessed, then, before Penny died, thought Lucy darkly. That was disappointing, but not surprising. However, perhaps his sister's sacrifice would spur him to do the right thing. She tried not to think too badly of him at the moment - he must be in tremendous pain. She would see how things would pan out in the future, though. She became aware that Frieda was looking at her, an odd frown on her face. Penny had always been adamant that no-one else in the hospital could possibly know about Oliver's actions - she had only told Lucy under the strictest confidence. She had not wanted to get anyone else in trouble by making them involved, and Lucy had to respect that - Frieda could not know about this.

She shrugged. "I don't know. It just...might be too painful for him there. Too many memories."

Frieda nodded. "I understand. Sometimes there..." She tailed off, and glanced down again.

Lucy felt bad about deceiving her, but Penny had sworn her to secrecy. Luckily, Frieda did not seem to have figured out that anything was wrong. "I was...trying to get in touch with him about Penny's room. I'm going to need to find a...a new housemate soon. You know, with the rent and everything. And I need to...I need to know what to do with her stuff."

"Her stuff," said Frieda flatly.

Lucy gave a hollow laugh. "It sounds so impersonal, doesn't it? Her 'stuff'. Like it's just some things I need to clear out, not...not..." She paused to compose herself. "Not like it's all that's left of her."

"I know what you mean," whispered Frieda. "There were things in her locker...at the hospital. I...I know I should have given them to her family, but...I needed something of her. You understand?"

Lucy nodded. "Oh yeah. I understand." She had a sudden thought, and immediately tried to dismiss it out of fear. The thought refused to go away, though. She steeled herself. "Do you...do you want to go up there?"

Frieda raised an eyebrow. "To...her room?"

Lucy nodded quickly. "I...can't bring myself to go in there, and it's been over a week now. I need to...and I know it will be easier with two, and...I think you might need to go in there too."

"I can't..." Frieda stopped herself. "No," she said firmly. "No, you're right. I...should go in there. We both should."

Lucy gave a tight smile. "Okay, then." She fixed a look on Frieda. "Ready?"

"No."

"Yeah, me neither."

After a pause, they both rose from the table and walked upstairs to Penny's room. Lucy placed her hand on the doorknob, and tried to smile. "Okay," she said weakly. "Here goes." After a pause, Frieda reached over and took Lucy's free hand in hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Lucy smiled in gratitude and opened the door.

Penny's room was as she remembered it. Clothes dumped over the bed, some strewn over the back of her chair. Medical textbooks and journals littered over her table, all lying open, most of them heavily dotted with post-it notes reminding Penny to ask questions. Her favourite teddy bear, battered and wounded, covered with bandages, on the sofa.

Frieda noticed the teddy, and smiled at Lucy. "She's had that for while, huh?"

"Oh yeah. Used to practice slings and stuff on it. Right from when she was a kid, apparently. It was all she ever wanted to do." Lucy took another look around. Memories flooded into her head, and despite her best efforts, she couldn't help letting a sob escape from her lips.

"What is wrong?" asked Frieda, turning to her with a concerned look.

"It's..." Lucy wiped her eyes angrily. "I just thought that...I remembered that this was the last place I ever saw her." She closed her eyes as the memory of that morning overpowered her. "She was getting ready for work...she was nervous about going back in. I had to leave for work, so I hugged her and said...something. I just can't remember what it was. And that was the last time I ever saw her."

"I can't remember either," said Frieda softly. "What I said to her...it was something stupid...something trivial." Lucy opened her eyes to see Frieda looking directly at her, her eyes swimming with tears. "I saw her," she whispered. "Afterwards. In...in the...the...you know."

"How did she look?" asked Lucy, nervously, dreading the answer.

Frieda smiled tearfully. "Peaceful. Beautiful. She...it was quick, I was told. She would not have felt any pain..."

Lucy nodded. "Okay...that's...that's something, I suppose."

The two women stared at each other for a long time, before Frieda broke away, wiping her eyes and walking over to the table, looking it over. "All medical books," she noted. "Very dedicated."

"A bit _too _ dedicated sometimes," said Lucy wryly. "Sometimes it was a task to get her to quit."

"Tell me about it. Had to force her to go out to bar with us sometimes. Was always worth it, though."

"Yeah, it was..."

Frieda found the photo album on the desk and picked it up, flicking through it. As she did so, she absent-mindedly sat down on Penny's bed, perusing the photos intently. Lucy knew that particular photo album well. It started out with photos of Penny and Oliver as children, moving onto their teenage years, to Penny and Lucy's first meeting, and then to the latest section - which Lucy knew all too well. Glancing over Frieda's shoulder, Lucy could see that she'd reached that part - the one that was mainly filled with photos of Penny and Frieda. Mostly shots of the two at work, mixed with some of them out at the bar - Penny making the usual goofy face she always did in photos, Frieda looking either resigned or exasperated at the thought of being in a picture.

Lucy saw that Frieda had stopped at one in particular - from what Penny had said, it was the two of them at the bar, the night Frieda had decided to become a doctor. Penny had her arms wrapped around Frieda in a drunken hug, and Frieda was looking like she wanted to be somewhere else. Frieda was gazing at the photo, oblivious to anything else, her finger stroking Penny's face gently.

Looking at this, emotion swelled in Lucy's breast, and before she could stop herself, she spoke. "I was always so jealous of you, you know." The words came out harsher than she had intended and she instantly regretted saying anything.

Frieda turned to face her, shock on her face. "What?" she asked in a confused voice.

Lucy rubbed her face in annoyance. "Forget it...I'm rambling. It's late...I'm tired...I don't know what I'm saying..."

"I think you do."

"It doesn't matter..."

"Please..." said Frieda quietly. "I came here because...there were things I needed to do. Goodbyes to say...feelings I needed to...to resolve. I think that...you maybe have some things you need to resolve too?"

"You don't..." Lucy was planning to shut Frieda's theory completely down, but one look at her face showed the pain and loss etched across it - a mirror of Lucy's own feelings. Frieda was right. She sighed and walked over to the bed, sitting down next to Frieda. The two women looked at each other for a moment, and Lucy gave an awkward smile. She took a deep breath. This wasn't quite how she'd imagined the evening going, but nothing in the last few weeks had been anything close to expectations.

"I was jealous," Lucy started tentatively, "of you. Very, very jealous. And I know that sounds stupid, because we'd never met until tonight. But Penny used to talk about you - a _lot _- and I heard so much about you. About how annoying you were at first, but then...about how amazing you were. How much of a great nurse you were, and how glad she was that you were becoming friends. Then you were going to be laid off, and you were applying to be a doctor...and I think there was a couple of weeks between you applying and finding out, wasn't there?"

"Yeah," said Frieda softly.

"She was _so _tense during those weeks. She was scared - scared that you weren't going to get it, and that you'd leave the hospital, and she'd never see you again. Then you were accepted, and..." Lucy smiled at the memory. "It was like the greatest gift she'd ever gotten. Her mood after you were accepted just was so..._bright._ She would always talk about how great you were going to be. And...I was happy that you were there for her...at the hospital. But the way she talked about you..."

"She mentioned you too," said Frieda. "I mean, I know awful lot about you too...she was always talking about what a good friend you were..."

"It wasn't that..." Lucy grunted in annoyance. "Oh god...this is going to sound so stupid and petty. But it wasn't just that she was talking you up...it was that I recognised the _way_ she was talking about you. And I wished that she still...still talked about me in that way."

"Oh." Frieda looked over to the window. There was a long pause. "You...you were...together?"

Lucy smiled sadly. "A while ago now. But yeah, it happened a few years ago. We'd known each other since teens, like I said...but I always felt a little more strongly about her...and a few years back, I admitted it, and we...gave things a shot, and for a few months, things were glorious. But..." She deflated at the memories. "She didn't feel quite as strongly about me, and she thought we should be friends - _just _friends, and we agreed to keep to that. Even had a stupid 'house rule' about it." She grinned at the last part. "And we both moved on. There were other boys, other girls, but...I'd always hoped that we might find each other again. And then she met you..."

"Lucy..." Frieda reached over a hand and placed it on her shoulder reassuringly.

Lucy placed her own hand over Frieda's, gratefully. "I know she loved me - I felt it every single day, and I wouldn't have traded that for anything...but I knew she didn't love me in the way that I wanted her to." She looked over to Frieda. "I know she didn't love me...as much as she loved you."

Frieda turned away, staring out of the window in silence.

"You had to know," said Lucy softly.

Frieda was silent for a long time, then finally nodded. "I knew," she whispered. "I was...scared. I do not enter into relationships easily. I was...trying to build up courage, and..."

"So was she." Lucy gave a wry smile. "You know her...it took a lot to get her to even consider opening herself up to someone...to put something other than work first for once. I think...she was going to after..." _After the situation with Oliver was resolved, _ she thought, but did not say it.

"I wish she had. I wish..._I _had."

"Me too." At Frieda's quizzical look, Lucy continued: "I know I said I'd held a torch, but...I just wanted her to be happy. She deserved it, after everything. And...you made her happy."

"So did you," said Frieda warmly.

Lucy smiled. "I know. In a...a different way." She looked away, down to the ground. Being in Penny's room was making it harder and harder to block out the grief she was feeling. "I miss her so much," she whispered.

"I miss her too." Frieda gave a small laugh. "This will...this will sound stupid. I have always...been loner at work. I work best on my own - or at least that is how I used to think. But...Penny got me invited onto AAU...and despite everything, there was...sort of family there. And it was nice. But now she is gone, and team is...breaking up. It is like she was glue that held it together, and I do not want it to end." She looked over at Lucy. "I just want things to be as they were. Pathetic, right?"

"I don't think it's pathetic at all," said Lucy softly.

The two women looked into each other's eyes for a long time. Lucy wasn't sure exactly who made the first move, but the next thing she knew, her lips were on Frieda's, and her hands were pulling the Ukrainian towards her. Frieda responded eagerly, even hungrily, and Lucy felt her arms wrap around her, pulling her tight.

They separated briefly and stared at each other, then, as if in mutual agreement, fell together again. Lucy kissed Frieda passionately, almost desperately, her hands pulling Frieda's hair out of its tight bun. It was longer than she thought, streaked through with pink and blue. It felt soft, luxurious. She pushed Frieda back onto the bed gently, splaying her hair out all over the bed. She paused, taking a moment to really _look _ at Frieda. She was beautiful, the Goth makeup heightening her natural beauty.

Frieda looked up at her, her hand reaching up to stroke Lucy's face gently, before pulling her down into another kiss. Lucy could feel Frieda unbuttoning her blouse, and she responded in kind, reaching her hands under Frieda's top, pulling it off.

As she did so, they paused and looked at each other for a moment. "This...this was _her_ bed," said Frieda awkwardly.

"I know," whispered Lucy, and after a brief pause, they fell together again, abandoning themselves into the moment, into passion, into loneliness, all mixed together in a way neither of them fully understood.

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><p>2<p>

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><p>Lucy's eyes slowly opened to sunlight streaming in through the window. The window itself and wall seemed oddly unfamiliar, and she was slightly disoriented. Then, the memories of the previous evening flooded back into her head, and she suddenly sat up, clutching the sheets around her.<p>

Frieda was gone.

Lucy sighed heavily, head in her hands. It wasn't exactly surprising, but still annoying. She'd probably felt too embarrassed. After all, sleeping with the ex of the person you had unresolved feelings for in their own bed was probably going to lead to a hell of a morning after conversation.

As she was thinking that, the door cracked open, and much to her surprise, Frieda came in. She was dressed, hair tied back up, fully made up once more. She gave an awkward smile. "Morning."

"Morning." Lucy pulled the sheets a bit closer, stupidly self-conscious all of a sudden. "I thought...I'm sorry, but..."

Frieda sat down on the edge of the bed. "Don't worry. I am not type to leave before other person wakes."

Lucy smiled. "I know. Sorry for thinking that..."

"I can see why you would. Lot of people would do that." Frieda gave a small shrug.

"Can you...stay for breakfast?" asked Lucy tentatively.

Frieda looked at her for a moment, then nodded. "Yes, yes, I can."

"Good." Lucy moved to get up, then paused. This was stupid - Frieda had seen every inch of her the previous night - there was no reason to be embarrassed. But still, she felt awkward. Luckily, Frieda noticed her discomfort, and looked away as she got out of bed and pulled some clothes on, for which Lucy was extremely grateful.

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><p>3<p>

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><p>Some time later, the two were sitting at the kitchen table, making their way through breakfast. Lucy hadn't kept up with the shopping, so it was a sort of piecemeal affair, certainly not up to her usual breakfast standards.<p>

"Penny was the master of this, you know," she said. "Her pancakes were...well, 'amazing' doesn't really do them justice."

"This is good, too," said Frieda. "Um. Thanks for this."

"You're welcome." Lucy stared at her plate for a moment, then took a deep breath. "Look, about last night..."

"Don't apologise...or say it was a 'mistake'," said Frieda suddenly. "You don't...need to."

"I just..." Lucy idly played with the food on her plate. "I just don't think that I was who you wanted..."

"I don't think I was who you wanted either..." Frieda was silent for a moment. "We..." She shook her head. "I don't know."

"I just feel like I maybe...took advantage of you...and I feel horrible about that."

Frieda shook her head. "No. I knew what I was doing...I feel the same way...like I used you..." She looked up at Lucy. "Now _I _ want to apologise."

"Don't." Lucy reached across the table and took Frieda's hand. "It was...really good. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think I really needed it."

Frieda squeezed her hand softly. "Me too. I just think we both needed this...we needed each other...because of Penny. Because..." She paused for a second. "Because we both loved her."

Lucy smiled sadly. "Yeah, we did."

They held each other's hand for a moment, then returned to breakfast. After they were finished, Frieda looked at Lucy a little sheepishly. "I do not want you to think I am making excuses, but...I _do_ have to get to work."

"I do too." Lucy thought for a moment, then made a decision. "Wait here," she said, and before Frieda could protest, she quickly walked out of the room. She returned a moment later, clutching a small hardback notebook. "I...I think you should have this," she said, holding it out to Frieda.

Frieda cocked her head to one side. "What is it?"

"It's Penny's diary."

Frieda's eyes opened wide. "I...I can't," she began, but Lucy cut her off.

"She would want you to have it. She wouldn't want her family to have it. I'm not sure she'd even want Oliver to have it..."

"But you..."

Lucy smiled. "You were the person she cared for most in the world. There are things in here...that she wanted to say, but never...well, you know. She would want you to hear them - she would want this, trust me."

Frieda hesitated, then took it. "Thank you," she said warmly. "For this, for...for everything."

"You're welcome."

That done, Lucy escorted Frieda to the door. Frieda opened it, and paused in the doorway, her expression unreadable. The two stared at each other for a moment. Lucy didn't quite know how to react, didn't know what to say. Somehow, she got the feeling she'd never see Frieda Petrenko ever again, and she didn't know how that made her feel.

From the look of her face, it seemed that Frieda was having difficulty knowing what to say as well. Finally, she reached out her hand and stroked Lucy's face gently. "I..." she began, then stopped. "Penny..." She stopped again, then gave a sad smile. "Thank you," she said simply.

Lucy placed her hand over Frieda's lightly. "Thank you," she replied.

And with that, Frieda was gone. Lucy watched her walk away for a moment, then closed the door. She stood in the hallway for a long time, weird, conflicting feelings churning in her stomach. Finally, she steeled herself, walked up the stair to get ready for work, and to get on with her life.

* * *

><p>4<p>

* * *

><p>A week later, Lucy was curled up on the sofa, idly flicking through TV stations. She'd been correct so far - she hadn't heard from Frieda at all during the week, and she doubted she would. She <em>had <em>managed to pack up Penny's stuff, however. After she had gotten over the initial hump of entering Penny's room, she'd found it easier, and had managed to pack things up. She still could not bring herself to throw anything out, but that was okay. She'd made the first steps, and that was important.

Eventually, she'd have to advertise for a new housemate, as unpleasant a task as that was. She simply could not afford the rent by herself. There was still a little time though, enough time for her to get used to the idea.

She'd kept trying to get in touch with Oliver, but with little success. It seemed that he had his own demons to work through. She'd offered help, but hadn't been taken up on it. Whatever happened, she hoped he'd be okay. She still bore him no ill will, despite everything that had happened.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang, shaking Lucy out of her thoughts. She frowned and glanced at the clock. It was late - who would possibly be calling at this hour? She set down her wine, and walked to the door. Opening it, she was surprised to see Frieda Petrenko standing there, a nervous smile on her face.

"Hi," she said awkwardly.

"Frieda?" Lucy was confused. "What are you doing here?"

"I was just..." Frieda paused. "Can I come in?"

Lucy stared at her for a moment, unsure of what to do.

And then she smiled.

_The End._


End file.
